Too long there was this defensive-mode in the background of my life, felt like a warrior looking after my heart. Ready to fight with the little hurt child inside and my lack in trust.
Despite this I was openhearted and loving, too open. Because somehow I understood my wrongs from my rights. From beginning having difficulties to handle and believe all the love and friendships I got back. So I just kept my heart in some distance. Often falling for same kind of relationships. With distance.
My search for the truth of love and a goodhearted wise soul in persons has been an great ground in my social connecting with others and I was very picky with what kind of person I let into my heart. Aswell as friends as lovers. Because of all I already had learned about this life that was and is important to me. It is not easy to find an equal spirit, but when You do the bounding is above understanding. That I prefer to have really well chosen friends around me is certain.
Also nothing I regret I kept searching after in love. This was one of the things I was longing for, such a partner, such a soul. To find true love can take time, but in my case I think it was more about to BELIEVE in true love that took all that time.
I found equals. I found soulmates. I found cherished love. But I also got hurt by my own insecurity and disbelief. And sometimes I left love, still loving, because it felt easier. So wrong!
I have kept my personality down to earth and never felt for the one-night-stand type of life when I was single. Always following my deep heart and always too romantic for nothing less than somebody really special to let somebody into my life.
But also I am proud I have always been ME and still am. I was careful and passionate in same time, in some kind of balance. I can keep the distance with much attention, I am honest and always faithful and when I fall in love I just loose it in romance and passion.
Dispite insecurity I gave it all and I said to myself ; "Just be"
I found dear ones, loved ones and amazing men- giving me there heart, affection and kindness. I found soulmates. I am so ever grateful for all opportunites great moments, good years and love I shared.
Grateful to many wonderful people, that still have a piece of my heart. Some of them really good friends of mine.
I am sorry for the relationships I wrecked, for things not turning out right, for chemistry missing. I was always having bad conscience for it a long time after.
With love the issue earlier in life was that my heart believed in it, my mind was not always that sure, but my gratitude was sometimes in the background fooling me that it was a deeper feeling than it really was.
Sometimes I just needed a friend, and in that mode my heart was impossible to open up. Those guys meeting me in that period of my life always said I was playing "hard to get". I said "not hard, just not possible". I was simply not up to dating at all, and I can not have relationships just to have company.
I took a long time to live with only myself, to get to know myself. To be a mom. I read good books and saw insightful movies to find my relaxation and spirituality for a better health and stronger mind. And a braver heart! That was a great period in my life and still is a part of my daily bases. The big interest in selfimprovement and mindfulness is since some years ago my new lifestyle and I enjoy it!
I am a feeling person, affectionate person and a communicating person. But how much communication there is, how much friends You are I learned it not always help in a relationship. Neither with friends or with partners. For some persons communication by words is the biggest part, and that is not who I am even if I am a big communicator too, for sure.
Then life threw me a relationship where communication was very much lacking because he spoke a different language by words but by soul we were deeply attached and in that way it was one of the most deeply communication by mind, interesting enough. A challenge but that kind of love was head over heals wonderful and learned me a lot. Though I also learned that distance makes me crazy and my needs for intimicy is way too big to deal with hundreds of miles.
After that I found a simular relation with same kind of problematic in communication lacking, but formed by my past relation where I was deeply lost in love and romance, I was colored to believe this was not a problem and I thought it would be amazing anyway, because now I also had the closeness.
But instead it was a relation without good communication and understanding in both words, romance and bodylanguage- no soulconnection at all. I guess what got us together was pure attraction and sex.
No surprise, it was simply not enough for me. I felt hopelessly angry. Why is life playing with me like this?!! Playing with my emotions and my heart. Tricking me with relations that not last, when my big wish is to find a serious everlasting true love.
A love from heart, body, mind and soul.
Sometimes relationships just are not ment to be, and I had to learn how to let go. Without feeling like a horrible person. Without missing the deep friendship too much. To let go of the deep attachment with people that I thought I could never be without.
I learned to clear things out, to sort out and to stand strong with respect for myself and the other part.
Today I am thankful! Now I see a red line through it and without these lessons from my former relationships, I would most probably have missed out THE ONE.
I smile big now. I enjoy my well learned lesson to find what I really search for, to love and to be loved with trust and relaxation. I found love within myself and with that I can give it out!
My monday is blossom, my tuesday is graceful, my wednesday is pure. My thursday is amazing and my friday is passion. My saturday is funny and my sunday is romance. I live it, I feel it and I give it; to YOU.
I stay close connected to the law of attraction and my life is GREAT! *gratitude*
Now suddenly things happened in my past and meeting with certain people plays out its hand, and I LOVE!
1 comments:
You're on the right track Baby...Happy for YOU :)
Post a Comment